Again, this is the sort of thing that shouldnt happen with ANY child. So if you are a parent with an autistic child, and you want to complain . Imagine having something important to say, but being unable to form words or coherent sentences. They might one day, no one knows your autistic childs future. But there is no more. Really? You dare nudge others while sitting on your throne of high functioning autism. Who in the world would want to have this struggle? At least in my state, special education services for those students who functionally cant understand virtual learning have been ignored completely. 1.2K views, 26 likes, 31 loves, 56 comments, 42 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Michael Mirdad: Humility versus Grandiosity -- Friday Night Spiritual. Your autism is NOTHING like my sons. simply to be liked by own parents? This is the first step to know whether what youre about to share is over the line. What that mom posted about her kid was abusive. Were not your pets, were people, and we deserve privacy. I am just the carer. She is NOT abusive. Grab lunch with a friend and vent about life. If youre complaining about your autistic children online for the world to see, thats the impression that those people have on autism and autistic people in general. Take yourself out for a Starbucks coffee to clear your head. There is literally only so much time in each day. Autistic people are HUMAN BEINGS and deserve to be treated like it! There are plenty of loving families out there that can treat an autistic child as a human being instead of a broken toy. One more severe than the other. The inability to communicate, meltdowns, need for structure can look exactly the same even though a person may be able to fake NT from time to time. But it is wrong to disparage those of us who are not so fortunate, we have very real concerns about the growing epidemic of autismYES it is an epidemic even the CDC admits it is NOT just better diagnosis. If its such a big deal that your child meets Elmo, then that trip wasnt for your child at all. Depending on your child's learning abilities, this may be a good idea. I am being totally sincere not at all sarcastic. I have massive back pain, I have a job, I can drive. We talk about the things the HIGH functioning authkr.doesnt understand-tell me that if I vent about my son fecal smearing, would it be overreacting to vent and talk about it and share? But last night i posted about how exhausted I was (on my private page) because of being sick and him raging, and I dont regret it. Well, happy judging autism super mom. In most instances with your child, it's not truly an emergency and both you and your child will benefit from putting the breaks on, and then following up when your ready with a more supportive and effective response. I know what Blog you are speaking about and I have to be honest, her blog brought me great comfort knowing I wasnt alone as a parent. Autism is one of the pervasive developmental disorders, with symptoms that usually appear before three years of age. She is anything but a bad person. Why? We just saw a grandmother kill her twin autistic boys recently. His own family? They help me see the world in full color! I saw that video too and my first thought was why is she taking him to this bloody Elmo thing anyway.He so obviously didnt want to be there. I have not complained for 30 years. But Im going to say something that may be a bit unpopular. Work with other caregivers and teachers so that everyone uses the same approach. I do not post about this other than to help others in need. Facing my fear: to save my autistic son's future, I had to let him go Elayne Robertson Demby It's always hard for parents when their children leave home. Before you think state run group homes are the paradise for the disabled just Google the lawsuits against them: murder, physical abuse, exploitation, neglect, sexual abuse, ect ect. Please. Its not the same. Best to you and your family! I know it takes some of us a long time to connect with Actually Autistic community and by then you may have already gone down a path of trying to fix your child, and hating autism. I am an autistic adult, I avoided the Autism world for a long time because I could not cope with how many times I felt hated by some parents. She tried to take her child to Sesame Street Live and was embarrassed that her 6-year-old autistic child was stimming while meeting Elmo and she saw all the adorable babies in line. References. WE changed and because of his environment a lot of bad behaviors just stopped. Don't punish/criticize the child or push them to do something if they aren't comfortable, because they'll associate social interactions with negative feelings. Its real and its raw. Support groups are for support. Its just basic respect. Clearly hates her child?! Surely we have to bring it back to the child first and foremost.it made me very sad to watch this childs needs clearly not being met. He is now 65 tall but sees himself as a very small child so he can scare small children, as he is still wanting to play in the sandbox or baby pool and playgrounds . Yep, everything. A burden I have to carry because they are my children and I love them, so I am sacrificing my time, my life, my goals, and my hopes so they can function. How do we expect autistic children to get the kindness and understanding they need while the world strips the same from the people caring for them? I take offense to the complaining comment by author. Hate. If your child suspects that you may not follow through, he or she is unlikely to stop the behavior. You have no clue what it is too realize, and YES grieve, because your child will never have a comfortable existence, and may never even go to school much less graduate. Hun. This is one point that I dont think many parents consider, but the fact is that the world is watching you. This article is a bit ridiculous. It would have been a opinion and that is ok. You are saying that she shames her son, so what are you doing then? She does NOT speak for me. Autism brings so many questions, so many unknowns. But now I am. If I do, thats a meltdown. Tell me something You have nerve picking on a person for having an overwhelming day and sharing her feelings. The key to understanding how to calm an autistic child lies with understanding what it is that triggers the behavior. Would you care if he wet the bed and poops in his bathwater, cant talk and doesnt understand what you are trying to express, runs out in traffic, doesnt understand that certain things can hurt him or others, pushes children off jungle gyms? We also complain about our spouses. What am I gunna do when hes 35 and 6ft 5 and 240 pounds like his dad when hes this violent now? Being non-speaking or intellectually disabled (those are VERY different things, by the way) doesnt negate that persons basic right to privacy, dignity, and respect. While I also have chronic pain, I cant fathom his. Im the one manipulating people for the extra support (when in reality I realized I literally have two separate Dyslexias, and could have used the help in reading and writing by middle school, especially with notes, because I cant keep up with anybody in that bullshit.). Our little guy is absolutely perfect and exactly how God intended him to be. Thats why shes asking for privacy, because while I hope to god that your son outlives you, statistics say that someone elses Autistic child wont. Make it clear that you care about what's bothering them, even if you don't know what it is. It wasnt that long ago that saying ANYTHING negative about parenting was taboo. There should be separate terms for such extreme ends of the spectrum. Im a teacher and mother of a severe ASD child and even as a teacher, I had NEVER seen the severe side until my son, now 5, regressed. Just because your life is manageable with your perfect authistic kid and 4 normal kids, does not mean it is the same for the rest of us. I dont work, i dont drive, i shower once in a blue moon and im happy. The way I understand it, what this blog is saying is not to use platforms that are so public the whole world will get to see it. Shaming others is always wrong. I can't handle my Autistic 4 year old anymore I feel like a horrible mother . I will give my life for him in a heart beat, this child regardless keeps me motivated and I love him beyond myself. This attitude can help you focus on helping, instead of punishing. I have two autistic children. No such thing. You treat your children like shit and then wonder why they act out like this. I feel sad when we are at the playground and I see other kids who are normal. They may have never known any autistic people before knowing your child. He still loves Elmo. Not cool. The message isnt youre such a bad parent for having these thoughts and needing to say them, but rather a gentle reminder of the power a parent has over their child, and also when representing autism as a whole. Your child may learn to communicate very well in alternative ways, such as sign language, typing, facilitated communication, and more. The problem is more system wide (she did say school, not teacher, but its likely the problem is broader than that to encompass the whole of state services). Her concerns are real. Its okay to be rock bottom, and if you dont have or dont know how to get resources, it feels like the world is crushing you. I do not speak for all mothers or autistic individuals, but only for myself. But every single one of my internal issues have been overlooked because theres nothing wrong with me. This article was laughable. Their kids still have PTSD, no matter how lovingly they were abused. Write about your frustrations in a private journal. Id go on some more but My son decided to smear his poop all over the bathroom wall and floor, so I gotta go clean that up. This article should be taken down. Yes, I am someone who was treated as an inconvenience and a burdenfor 50 years. But ALSO for my son, because HE CAN NOT. I grieve! Best wishes for you and your children. And before anyone says but you cant possibly understand because you and your child are high functioning which is totally different.. Life consists of dodging his punches, kicks, slaps, and bites, and changing diapers. I was so annoyed all the time! Luckily its only moms who have feelings. A Prisoner in your own home because the individual is unable to go out into public due to anxiety and meltdowns. Now the next layer Would your spouse talk about you that way? And Im not sugar coat this. And mean. No need to apologize for anything there .. Fecal matter on walls and furniture, sometimes multiple times a day. 2 School programs are comprehensive and available to all, but adult programs are sketchier and may involve long wait lists, particularly for families in which the adult The truth is this isnt always possible. I had to quit working because there was no one willing to take care of him once he got older. Walk a mile in someones shoes before you start judging. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Your email address will not be published. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment. Have you worked on non-verbal communication skills? Don't feel bad if your child never learns to speak. Also, criticism is NOT censorship. Just as your parents supported you. You can afford therapy?! I am sick, and I am tired, of seeing people dehumanize their child because theyre low functioning and non-verbal or have all the concurring issues at birth. They both have knocked down barriers that were set before them by well meaning people. Presumably, because no one would ever love her son enough to grieve when he dies. So far my prayers have been answered by the devil. Receptive language difficulties. And yes, lets be honest here, if you child is severely autistic, then yes they are a burden on the parents. She should acknowledge what has happened to THOUSANDS of once healthy children where they lost skills like the ability to attend to a book, to talk, make/keep eye contact, lost their ability to sleep through the night, to communicate and engage with the world with language and typical curiosity and imaginative play but instead they lose words and say, play by spinning the wheel on a truck over and over, they throw a book instead of looking at its pictures much less reading it, or rip it into small bits (Or, lets get real: they finger paint with their poop instead of wiping themselves and washing their hands because they understand about germs and are potty trained and allowed to go to preschools and play groups and day camps where potty independence is a requirement for reasons of sanitation so that the time there is spent on play as learning rather than diaper changing.). Autism at the very least requires significantly more support than it currently receives. If your child continues misbehaving for attention, even after you ignore the bad behavior, calmly say "Screaming is not going to get you what you want. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. my beloved will never get a drivers license, marry, father a child, hold a job for pay or live independently or understand history or historical figures like MLK,JFK, FDRNONE of them. I dont think theres a right or a wrong here. This can help you learn more about their sensitivities. He is. I love my son but I am not going to lie and pretend that any of this is pleasant. Changing a 5, 10, 15, 20 year olds diapers because they dont have the ability to be potty trained. It would be the shock of your lifetime, believe me. Eating a fairly balanced diet is more important than eating a wide variety of foods. Everyone has bad days, but this post outlines why to stop complaining about your autistic children and what you can do instead!). YES! Please stop complaining about your autistic children. You dont have the relevant experience. I believe it is the reason I am now for the most part estranged from my sister. There are a few incorrect assumptions I want to point out from this comment and also from other posters in this thread. Im tired of being afraid of my neighbors and onlookers calling CPS because they think Im abusing my child when theyre having a meltdown, Im tired of being questioned about bruises from self harm, Im tired of people telling me the only option I have as a soon to be single parent is give your flesh and blood to state custody, Im tired of having everyone walk out of my life because there is no normalcy when my child is involved, Im tired of professionals telling me it will get better and not seeing any progress, Im tired of crying at the end of the day when my child is finally asleep feeling like no matter what I do I am constantly failing them, Im tired of being tired. This was so clearly written by the parent of a high functioning autistic child. This article has been viewed 68,833 times. That is not what autism really is. When youre feeling as low as the Mom who posted that video, youre rock bottom. No ones perfect, this thread sure as heck isnt. How dare you make out like what she is saying is abusive. Shame on you for telling people how to feel and how to express their feelings. Is hard. No kidding. If the mother had the nerve to publish that content, she should deal with the consequences! He sleeps with a stuffed animal every night (and I could use one too). You are the reason we are bullied, treated poorly, dismissed, unable to get appropriate services, unable to get employment, abused, and even shot by police. We are allowed to feel what we feel and I for one am sick of the puppies and rainbows autism community judging me for venting when my child is having a seriously horrible day. Everyone is coming from a different perspective. Its hard. There is no epidemic of autism. The following are some of the common causes of meltdowns: ADHD: Lack of focus or inability to tolerate boredom can contribute to outbursts Learning issues: A learning disorder could cause frustration and lead to meltdowns For the love. I feel really bad for him, youre disgusting. None of us are perfect but clearly your social media skills need improving because you are trolling the wrong people: advocates for improvement in autism services, education and supportservices which you could benefit from if you honestly cannot see how mean and misguided your insults are. Keep in mind that even an extremely unresponsive child can probably still hear you; they just don't have a way to communicate yet. Ive treated my oldest the same as my youngest and guess whather counselor said my daughter is learning empathy which is surprising to her. And it is hard enough to speak up, to blog, to share our experiences without OTHER MOTHERS and other people with autism ( who are ABLE to speak out for themselves) telling us we should NOT complain? Solving the medical problem may make the SIB disappear. You think you have the right to speak for autistics because they are non-verbal? To be so disrespectful of anothers choices on how she helps educate the world on the MANY FACES of autism, and those who love them yours, your childs, my child, Coopers mother, me we all have the right to feel how we feel and share what we feel comfortable sharing as THAT CAN HELP OTHER FAMILIES. everyone struggles and we all do and say things in the heat of the moment when tired, unhappy or stressed. We are on our own. You can express these things without traumatizing your child. You can have fun kneading and tossing the dough, make faces with the vegetables, and taste throughout the process. Functioning labels are necessary to differentiate between people on different areas of the spectrum so they can get their needs appropriately met. But my child needs to be accepted for what he can and cannot do, for how his brain is wired differently just like yours needs it. Dont censor the woman whose video went viral about her view. But my son cannot read nor understand offensive opinion pieces like this nor the supportive great article! offensive comments that belittle his autism as something not real, something that exists only because I want something to complain about. but presumably because they can't handle him. I havent made it to 32 yet, and Im very lucky to have made it this long. The mother making the video had every right to vent and talk it out. If a child doesn't believe that you will respect verbal or alternative communication, they may act out due to the belief that it is the only way to be acknowledged. I want more women who deal with heavy heavy work and problems all day to speak up, I want advice and to hear what they have to say especially on their bad days. You have a baby sitter?! I will continue to support him in his journey and do what Moms are suppose to do, put my child and HIS FEELINGS first. No one here said to bottle it up. Not all sunshine and rainbows??? far more than a typical child. I am a high functioning autistic woman and I have a high functioning autistic child and a severely autistic learning disabled child. The first thing you need to do is accept that you are where you are and there is no blame, there is nothing you could of done differently because if you could have, you would have. ANY child COSTS his parents a great deal of money [For a middle-income family to raise a child born in 2015 through the age of 17, the cost of rearing a child has hit $233,610, according to the report.] But: A child with autism? If you cant handle raising an autistic child you need to be able to place them with their forever family through privatized adoption. And he will outlive me. Vrs women who lie and say its perfect never a bad never any anger or grife or fear. They say they love their kids but its conditional. Because parents with severely autistic children dont get to do those things. We get no breaks. I dont criticize that woman for trying to take her child to see something she thought he might like. I feel suicidal some days. Do you put on your own helmet before you start bashing your own head into the floor & put on your own gloves so you dont bite your hands bloody? Would you prefer they tell a family-member and have it get back to their kid one day? Austitic mama mantra seems to be Out of sight, out mind, I actually loved this post! My email address is: rachel.b.sutherland@gmail.com Reply tony May 1, 2017 at 8:06 am Anything else is cruel to the child and parent. Let them choose whether it's worth the effort to redirect it or not, and give them your full support either way. Many autism-related organizations treat autistic children like burdens and spread the rhetoric of abuse. You have NO CLUE what the hell you are talking about, sitting on your high functions autism perch and judging those of us whose lives are only lived to be caregivers to our severe children. I took my child to Disney land and all the other children were running around, while all my child did was slump in his chair and make a whining sound in front of Mickey Mouse! Its offensive, right. Hey! No local services. My son is profoundly autistic and has been through unimaginable struggles. Saying you wouldnt say these things about your normal child why would you abut the one that is autistic. Our children, and therefore us and all family members, have been thrown into a disease that is painful, is horrible, that is hard to watch someone suffer from. Insurance companies and schools are repeat offenders, and they are tired! The most important aspect of this technique is consistency. Stop trying to hide them like they used to hide people with mental illness in institutions with physical & chemical restraints. Wow, Kaylene, such a great essay! Like, there is an out? Some objective points, but the majority was a joke. This is a child almost my height who still can't put on his own clothes, brush his own teeth or dry himself after a bath. Read her suggestions again. Theres a video circulating on Facebook with a mother in tears. They may even turn into a great career someday. Watching your child uncomfortable in their own skin. It looks nice, but its not. YOUR brain may be fine just the way it is, but something happened to my healthy, typically developing baby boy and he got seizures and lost words, started toe walking, got a horrible rash, allergies, and regressed into full blown autism a neurological DISORDER. That is your autism talking. Those are the exceptional few on the spectrum. Yes they will mature. I was with you until I got to that list. Is this a possibility for you? Your 15 20 25 still in a specialized car seat. Parenting must be hard at times (again not only parenting an autistic child). The very fact that you wrote this tells me you have NO clue what severe autism is, or what it looks like. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont lay down to go to sleep at night and wish, really really wish, to wake up and realize it was just a bad dream I was having. You are telling her to tone it down, and you are doing nothing to truly help, but making her (and other mothers) feel bad for having an opinion. And even if they wont, you honestly think that because they possibly dont understand what youve said that it makes it okay for you to say? Don't force your child to spend time with bullies or unkind children. No one elses. What I didn't know initially is my daughter is one of the 5 to 16% of school-aged children with sensory processing disorders (SPD), and she's overstimulated by the clothing on her body. Is that what you want? Having two autistic children (one moderate and one severe) has ruined my life and my wifes life. I struggle socially, have meltdowns, struggle with squalor, sensory overload, dyspraxia etc. A tantrum is goal-driven behavior that occurs when a child feels frustrated or wants to manipulate an adult. On top of this she in stuck to me 24/7. The first time I was hospitalized for suicide, I was eighteen years old. When my oldest was first diagnosed, I did fall down that rabbit hole of complaining (more about how people were treating my family differently or professionals implying it was my fault). My daughter has a fragile bone disorder and were desperate to keep him away from her so that he doesnt break her bones. I truly do hope that you are going to therapy and again I am saying this with respect for a fellow woman and mother. I can't wait to go to work each morning so I don't have to be around her. NO it would NOT be. How they hope and pray for a cure? It is okay to casually let your child know that a stim looks odd. I do not sugar coat my life and i dont pretended this is a fairy tale. Oh and Just go to a Starbucks LOL! If youre frustrated with your child, talk about it with a friend, spouse, counselor, support group, etc. During self-injury, endorphins are released, which inhibit the individual from feeling much pain while making them feel happier. Im not a complaining mama, but your litmus test for what to share will stick with me long-term. So stop blaming autism when autism itself isnt the issue. I know its true for me. I both agree and disagree with this article. Its the stupidest reason. Clean your bum and vagina too (that's what we use to describe washing parts that aren't hair) clean the parts that are stinky. If somehow you are not suffering fears and worries about your child (the one with autism) in the future COMPARED to typical children, then you are both zen and lucky indeed. Vent in a closed, private Facebook group of other parents who understand. and I wonder if its not more a general problem of people seeking attention. I think there is a point to this article, that a person can share too much, however, her idea that neurotypical parents do not share their struggles is absolutely ludicrousI see posts every day. 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